"Intimacy requires letting someone know you as you know yourself to be. It means you must have some degree of stable identity."

- David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage

There’s a lot packed into these two sentences. Unpacking this a little we see that to be fully present to our person, we have to also be fully awake to ourselves.

I don’t presume that this is something that can be done at the snap of a finger since personal growth is the ongoing project of our lives.

Relationship is a wonderful vehicle for understanding ourselves since that’s the space where most of our unfinished business resides. What’s also great about this quote is that it points to individual work as well. We can begin to address our hang-ups and obstacles before we even get into relationship.

The more we know ourselves, the more comfortable we can be in vulnerability with another.

So, we can enter relationship counseling where we work with our partner to resolve negative cycles, deepen connection, and create positive interaction.

Or, we can take up individual counseling with a focus towards improving current or future relationships. We understand the history we bring into relationship. We work to integrate attachment wounds, and we confront the blocks the might prevent intimacy (our defense, or protective, patterns).

These are a few modes of growing in relationship, whether you are in a committed relationship or not. Sometimes one person in a couple wants to deepen their understanding of themselves and prefers working one to one. Other times someone who is not partnered at the moment wants to do the personal work attract the right person.

Whether it's couples counseling or individual counseling with a relational focus, getting guidance and support from a therapist can help you progress on the path of self development.